A Look Ahead To Tomorrow's American Idol

I've been blessed with the the power of precognition. I can tell you what will happen next week on American Idol well in advance of actually seeing it.

• One of the Davids will sing a slow, boring, girlish ballad and make a face like a three year old. The other will remake a rock version remake of an old song.
• One of the blond chicks will sing an unremarkable cover of an unremarkable song while twisting her lips in awkward positions and making maddening puppy dog eyes. The other will just sing unremarkable period.
• The Irish girl will dress in an ugly outfit.
• The black girl will cover a Whitney Houston song and be in the bottom three along with the blond "country" girl.
• The Australian guy and dreadlock boy...well, they'll be there.
• There will be more of that awkward repressed love crush hostility between Simon and Ryan. Just consummate your love already.
• Paula will jump up like an over-stimulated chipmunk when the loser sings his or her last song.

And in my most impressive feat I will give you the critique, word for word, for every contestant -

• Randy, "Dog, check it out, check it out, it was a little pitchy to me but it was ah-ight!"
• Paula, "You are going to be...unintelligible...you have the...mumble...you will do great things...mumble."
• Simon, being credited with being the most honest and wisest of the bunch, is a little harder to see. I believe however, his insightful commentary will be, "I didn't like it." At which time he will stick his index finger in the air, thumb to temple and wink at someone just to the right of his position.